Monday, July 30, 2007


Thanks Entourage, for clueing me in to the fact that people like to have sex dressed up as a furry mascot.

Will Ferrell writes the dictionary!

Environmentally friendly (but racially exclusionary?) Google.

Things you never wanted to know about me

Sarah Ashlee has tagged me!

Rules (shamelessly copied and pasted from her blog) are:

  • Players start with 7 random facts/habits about themselves.

  • People who are tagged need to write their own blog posts with their 7 things as well as these rules.

  • You need to tag 7 others and list their names on your blog.

  • Remember to leave a comment for them letting them know they have been tagged and to read your blog.

So here's my list of seven random things about me.

1. My memory about random things people do/say is uncanny. I was travelling to Michigan for work with a group of colleagues for an extended amount of time and we discovered that I remembered what everyone ordered at the restaurants we frequented.

2. I had no interest in having children until I turned 30.

3. I'm generally not afraid of the creepy-crawly things that make most females shriek. Snakes, worms, spiders, bees....none of these creatures really bother me. The only bugs I can think of that freak me out are centipedes.

4. I've never lived by myself. I went from home to dorm to roomates to boyfriend/spousal unit.

5. President Clinton spoke at my college campus while campaigning for his first term in office. I attended the speech and accidentally happened upon the meet-and-greet line afterwards. Though he was shaking hands with the small child in front of me, he looked me square in the eye and smiled. I thought I was special...who knew?

6. I'm an animal lover, but I detest ferrets. Blame some of those aforementioned roommates for that one.

7. My dream career is to be a stand-up comic. I love to make people laugh.

I know that all the cool kids have already done this meme, so there aren't too many left for me to tag. But if Rhet, PrettyRandomThoughts, Tanya Espanya, and BeckEye haven't done this one're it.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Orally violated

At the dentist's office, by a new hygienist. Her name was Kate. I'd never seen her before, and never plan to again.

The process of cleaning teeth is never a pleasant one, but the pain is usually confined to a grimace or two.

Not with Kate.

Kate wielded the scrapey-hook (yes, I'm pretty sure that's the technical term for the instrument) with a firm hand. Kate went deep. I quickly began to regret telling this sadistic excuse for a health care professional that I'd been somewhat negligent in my flossing habits over the past six months.

Dig, scrape, wipe. Dig, scrape, wipe. I fully expected the white bib that had been clipped to my shirt in the usual dignified manner to look like a Jackson Pollock interpretation of a White Stripes album cover by the time Hate Kate had completed my torture session.

At one point when Kate was working in the left side of my mouth, her vigorous stroke met with the curve of a molar and the scrapey-hook slipped. My tongue fled fearfully to the far side of its lair to avoid being filleted.

When it was finally over, I peeked down at the bib and saw one tiny drop of blood. I've never been so relieved at such at anticlimactic moment.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Evil temptation

Look at this bitch. Look at her!

Trots though the door and the alpha humans decide to take her in. What about me? I'm the alpha dog. Don't I get a say?

The alphas are constantly taking her off to some function called "obedience class". I don't know what that is, but they go in the car, which means it has to be fun. Ripley's not much for the car, but I try to get in with the humans whenever they go anywhere. Needless to say, my exclusion from this "obedience class" does not please me.

And oh, does Sasha tease. Flaunts that delicious, slender little figure in front of me constantly. Makes me want to bite her and ride her simultaneously. And I try. Damn, do I try. But these parts of mine won't seem to do what I want them to.

Let's not overlook how she tries to take Ripley's spot as top bitch. Sasha may be slim and sexy, but my brick house will always own my doggy heart. No amount of snapping, or food-stealing, or toy-hording will change that, Sasha!

Thanks for listening, humans. I'm off to chase squirrels in my dreams (at least that's what the humans think I'm dreaming about - check out my twitchy foot).

Friday, July 20, 2007

Random 10 Randoms

Unite - The Beastie Boys
Midnight Show - The Killers
He Can Only Hold Her - Amy Winehouse
(Another Song) All Over Again - Justin Timberlake
Good Luck Charm - Elvis Presley
Get Ready - Sublime
If Things Were Perfect - Moby
Red Natty Dread - Garnett Silk
W.M.A. - Pearl Jam
All Along The Watchtower (Live) - Dave Matthews Band

I was hoping for a Christmas song in the mix. Something about July maybe? Also was using some pumpkin body scrub that I nabbed on clearance and started drooling for pumpkin pie. What sort of seasonal things do you crave out-of-season?

For those of you who don't read the Manolo, check out this hilarious soda ad. I think it's a play on the cheesy Fanta commercials.

I'll be going dark over the weekend since Harry Potter finíto comes out tomorrow and I'll be a) in the mountains and b) not receiving my copy until whenever Amazon's Super Saver shipping kicks in. It's going to be a challenge with TV and radio to avoid spoiling the ending.

Since the kerpupples don't read Potter, one of them may drop in.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Let us count the ways....

In which the following advertisement (date unknown) is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

You'll need to click on the image above in order to read it. Here's the list I've started:

  • If this is the 50s, the marriage sounded entirely normal to me. What's the problem? Or have I seen too much Leave it to Beaver (Hey, hmm, beaver, indifference, lack of freshness....maybe there was something to that show after all)?

  • So say that it wasn't normal. The first cause you dream up is that your hooha stinks

  • The doctor-recommended solution is to pour chemical air purifier down the offending hole

  • You buy that recommendation

  • After following the doctor's orders, you feel sexy enough to let your husband go spelunking

  • A husband of that era would actually let his wife sit on his newspaper

There's still tons to add here, so let's hear it, readers!

Monday, July 16, 2007

A joyous return

Hola compadres! I have returned from the relaxing, nature-communing rafting trip down the Colorado river from Colorado into Utah refreshed and renewed. Then today I received some wonderful news that has propelled me back into blogdom again.

Remember my first attempt at The Manolo's Build the Outfit? Well, I tried it again for his next contest. And this time, I won! The thrill of being chosen is at least as delightful as the free shoes I'll receive. Perhaps a second career as a Hollywood stylist is possible? At any rate, it was great fun.

I also want to extend my thanks to my dear dog Ripley for filling in while I was unable to form any worthwhile posts on my own.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

My master makes me groan

Hello humans, this is Ripley. The alpha female has given me permission to blog here while she takes a break.

Yes, this is a much younger picture of me. You got a problem with that? It's a tough world for us old bitches.

Alpha female may have told you that alpha male is extremely fond of puns. I don't know what that is, it is not in my vocabulary of food, sleep, good dog, bad dog, and outside and its corollaries potty, walk, and mail. But he likes them, and they make the alpha female groan.

Last night before bed the alphas were watching the television (which sometimes makes the doorbell magically ring, wretched device) and saw a preview for something called "The Omen 666". The alpha female had previously viewed this with the alpha male, who had apparently never seen the original version. Neither of the alphas seemd to be impressed.

When this preview came on, the alpha male quipped, "This is a Bad Omen."

The alpha female protested louder than usual at this.

The alphas are headed off on a weekend trip rafting the Colorado river. Meanies are dumping me, Roscoe, and evil Sasha off at a kennel. My next post shall be seething with resentment.

Thursday, July 05, 2007


I need a break.

I created this blog to be an exercise in writing, not the diary it's morphed into. I'm feeling a strong lack of creativity and I'm getting almost no feedback, so it's time to shut down for awhile.

Best. Sorry to bore.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Diggin' on Polygin'

So another fabulous HBO drama has bitten the dust. I'm still quietly fuming over the end of Deadwood (cocksuckers!), and I feared I'd be suffering from severe Sopranos withdrawal. I needn't have worried - the creative team at the cable network has come to my rescue again with the second season of Big Love. It's a fascinating look at the Mormon practice of polygamy (both in traditional and nontraditional sense) and how it's viewed by the majority of the Mormon population.

I will admit to being extremely skeptical about the show when the first season started. Who wants to watch a show about folks who can't even drink a Coke, much less add some sizzle by getting hooked on blow? But I was drawn in by the amazingly complex relationship between all the Henricksons and the blatant hypocrisies of the Grant family at The Compound. Intrigued by gay henchman polygamists, former Mormon support groups, and backlash skinheads? Big Love is for you. Anyone who can resist being drawn like a fly to shit to a family where, as Adaleen Grant says, "I am my own grandmother" or to a culture where sex outside of marriage is forgiveable but being a surrogate mother is not has a stronger will than I.

I hear the creator of Deadwood has refocused his attention on John From Cincinnati, so I'll check that out. The spousal unit says it's weird, which given my love for Six Feet Under and Carnivale is a good omen.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Weekend toy teaser....

UPDATE: Yes, the spousal unit brought one of these home over the weekend. 4 door black Sahara. Very cool. Will post pics.