Friday, July 27, 2007

Orally violated


At the dentist's office, by a new hygienist. Her name was Kate. I'd never seen her before, and never plan to again.

The process of cleaning teeth is never a pleasant one, but the pain is usually confined to a grimace or two.

Not with Kate.

Kate wielded the scrapey-hook (yes, I'm pretty sure that's the technical term for the instrument) with a firm hand. Kate went deep. I quickly began to regret telling this sadistic excuse for a health care professional that I'd been somewhat negligent in my flossing habits over the past six months.

Dig, scrape, wipe. Dig, scrape, wipe. I fully expected the white bib that had been clipped to my shirt in the usual dignified manner to look like a Jackson Pollock interpretation of a White Stripes album cover by the time Hate Kate had completed my torture session.

At one point when Kate was working in the left side of my mouth, her vigorous stroke met with the curve of a molar and the scrapey-hook slipped. My tongue fled fearfully to the far side of its lair to avoid being filleted.

When it was finally over, I peeked down at the bib and saw one tiny drop of blood. I've never been so relieved at such at anticlimactic moment.

11 comments:

Sarah Ashlee said...

"...her vigorous stroke met with the curve of a molar and the scrapey-hook slipped. My tongue fled fearfully to the far side of its lair to avoid being filleted."

Hilarious!! Glad you're back to blogging! :)

Rhet said...

Wise words from me Mum:

You like your teeth?
You want to keep your teeth?
Then F***ing floss your teeth!

Orally Violated - Strange but I was kinda disappointed when I started reading the story after I read the title.
Time to get me a girlfriend me thinks.

justacoolcat said...

You suck.

I have a dentist appt next week so your timing is great.

Slave to the dogs said...

Sarah Ashlee - sure, now it's hilarious! :)

Rhet - wise words indeed. I'm normally good about flossing. And as far as the title goes, those expectations seem geared towards a blog more similar to your own. And a girlfriend is (usually) a good thing.

Cat - what are the odds that your experience will be as bad as mine? You've also probably been flossing regularly like a good cat.

Rhet said...

"...those expectations seem geared towards a blog more similar to your own...."

Well!!!
I never!!!
I am hurt, nay, devastated.

Slave to the dogs said...

Rhet, you've been reading here long enough to know that type of post isn't my style. And there's nothing wrong with the fact that it's yours. Well, maybe the fact that you resemble my father makes it a little weird, but.... :)

BeckEye said...

Yikes.

The worst part of teeth cleaning for me is the SOUND. Worse than nails on a chalk board.

Slave to the dogs said...

You're right, Beckeye. It sounds as if they are about to yank a chunk of your tooth out.

You know what I really hate? The smell when the dentist drills a tooth. The fact that such a stench could be emitting from my mouth is quite unsettling.

Rhet said...

"...Well, maybe the fact that you resemble my father makes it a little weird, but.... :)..."

I am only 44!
My dross is not sexual. It is vulgar and obscene sometimes, but it is also romantic and vulnerable at other times.
In short, one has no idea, including me, what is going to show up there on any given day.
I see too much real obscenity in S.E. Asia each winter. It is either write as I do or take up smoking opium like my fellow doctors. I chose the former over the latter

Slave to the dogs said...

Rhet - I didn't mean to imply that you look old. My dad was 44 once too and even now he's only 57.

And you don't need to be defensive about your blog! It is indeed what you say it is and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

justacoolcat said...

Oh no. I'm bad with the flossing. I hope my experiece won't be bad enough to warrant the title "Orally violated".