Monday, March 17, 2008

The definition of bleak

Our baby has no heartbeat. It's about half the size it should be at this stage.

We're going back to have one last look on Friday (we've had 2 already) but it doesn't look good.

Cruel twist? Apparently the placenta is still growing normally. So my hormones are still through the roof, I still have morning sickness, and my uterus still thinks things are hunky dory. This means that on Friday we probably get to figure out how to make my body void itself of our lifeless child.

My mind knows that it's for the best. That something went wrong and it wouldn't have been a normal child anyway. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

The bitterness is starting to set in too. I'll spare you the details, but it really blows to experience this as the latest of a series of many disappointments in our 4 1/2 year quest to have a child.


Pugs said...

This is heartbreaking to read. I totally want for you to be happy and with child. Stay strong like I know you can be and I'm sending good vibes your way. This will happen! Keep positive Amy and Ian!

Metro said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish you courage and strength, although I believe you have a sufficient supply already.

BeckEye said...

I'm sorry to hear about this, Amy. I echo what the others are saying...stay strong and positive, even though it must be hard as hell.

Slave to the dogs said...

Thanks Sean - I'm keeping my acupuncture appt. today in case they can work some Chinese juju on me.

Metro - I guess anyone who'll take you on re: Dubya on your blog does possess a bit of courage, eh? ;)

Beckeye - it is tough but I'm hanging in.

Thanks for all your kind words.

Tanya Espanya said...

Amy, ohmydarling, I'm sorry.

I'm thinking of you. Let me know if I can send you anything.

chelene said...

Amy, I'm so very sorry. There's nothing I can say that can possibly make you feel better but I hope that you and Ian don't give up.

Slave to the dogs said...

Tanya, thanks hon. I know you won't be willing to box up Alexander and ship him off to us, but thanks for the offer of sending something.

Chelene - we won't give up but we may take a few months off to just live like normal people.

justacoolcat said...

I couldn't even comment on this for a week. Terrible.

I'm so sorry.